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Post by Becka *Pone* on Aug 3, 2004 23:21:55 GMT -5
I thought you were playing Crystal Lace? O.o Im so confused.
No matter who you are playing, you have been here long enough that I expect more than a one sentance history. Give me a good, solid paragraph (at least) about how she grew up, when she bought the ice scating rink, and any other relevant info and she's yours.
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Post by Angel624 on Aug 4, 2004 20:37:28 GMT -5
Ok, I modified the bio of Twinkle Twirl. And I am going to play Crystal Lace, she's going to replace Dazzle Surprise. I was getting bored with Dazzle, but I'll play her a little bit longer. She's going to move to the country side of Ponyland, where Mainsail came from.
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Post by Becka *Pone* on Aug 4, 2004 20:49:49 GMT -5
Much as I dont like when people drop canon to play other canon I dont really care at this point.
*stamp*
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Post by Angel624 on Aug 4, 2004 20:54:50 GMT -5
Thanks.
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Post by Angel624 on Aug 5, 2004 23:18:07 GMT -5
Ok, here I go for Crystal Lace: name: Crystal Lace age: 16 type: G3 earth pony. symbol: white doyly with magenta jewel in middle. colors: Pale magenta with white, purple, and magenta hair. Hoof heart is white. powers (if any): None. description/temperment Crystal Lace is a happy going little pony. If someone is in a bad mood, Crystal Lace will be there to cheer them up. She loves putting smiles on everyone's face. She loves to surf, too. She goes to the beach almost everyday to surf. She also loves hula dancing, and practices at Twinkle Twirl's Dance Studio. She is a really talented pony, who loves to laugh. birthplace (or place of the majority of residence): Ponyville history: Once, her friend was very sad because her grandmother had died. But Crystal Lace knew how to cheer her up. How did she cheer her up you ask? She threw a surprise party for her friend! It really cheered her up! Her friend is still sad that her grandmother died though. Crystal Lace also has been in many dance recitals. She has been hula dancing since she was 5. And she has been surfing since she was 7, but she has only won 3 trophies, but she's going to try to win more someday.
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Post by Becka *Pone* on Aug 5, 2004 23:27:10 GMT -5
Because of your uncalled for outburst on Silver Shadow's thread this pony will not be stamped. Silver Shadow's character was well thought out, has history and depth to her, and isnt your typical happy-go-lucky-make-me-puke-cotton-candy pony. You telling her that she could not play a pony that she has obviously taken the time and effort to really breath life into is absolutely uncalled for and will not be allowed. Do not post in other people's bios anymore.
(This does not mean I want you to stop playing, but you have to realize that there are other players here and you cannot always get things your way. If you want to challenge someone for a character you must make your character beliveable and have real depth. Read her Crystal Lace bio - that was an awesome bio. The Nexus mods would have been proud of that bio. You have been here long enough that i expect your bios to start looking more like that.)
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Post by Angel624 on Aug 5, 2004 23:34:48 GMT -5
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Post by Angel624 on Sept 12, 2004 22:12:48 GMT -5
Ok, here's Sapphire Shores's bio:
Name: Sapphire Shores Nick name: Shores Age: 23 Type: G3 Earth Jewel Pony Symbol: A yellow seashell with an aqua jewel in the middle along with aqua and white squiggles below the seashell. Colors: A splash of pink with aqua, sky blue, and white hair. Her eyes are purple with a aqua and yellow highlight with a pink heart in each eye. Powers (if any): Sapphire Shores can make seashells appear on the beach when the sun shines on her jewel symbol. Her Jewel will first change colors and then seashells will appear on the beach. But this only happens on the beach.
Description/temperment (how they act, nice, shy, ect): Sappire Shores is a sweet but shy pony. She is also outgoing. She can sometimes be perky and cheerful. She sometimes speaks her heart out, too. She loves to swim and surf. Dazzling Beach is her favorite place so far. She hangs out with all of her friends there, she also loves going to the Cotton Candy Cafe. She loves all of the sweet treats Cotton Candy cooks up. She also loves to laugh. Birthplace (or place of the majority of residence): Shores grew up in Dream Valley, when she was 8, she moved to Ponyville.
History: Sapphire Shores is a pro surfer. She has been surfing since she was 6. Her mother taught her. They both surfed together. But, when Sapphire Shores was 8, she ran away from home, and moved to Ponyville, where she lives now. Sapphire Shores didn't know anyone in Ponyville yet, but she has met a few ponies and is now making herself at home in Ponyville.
Last year, Sapphire Shores climbed one of the biggest mountains, she reached the top and won a trophy for being one of the first ponies to reach the top. She is proud of herself for trying her best.
Sample RP: One day, Sapphire Shores was sitting alongside the shores of Dazzling Beach, the wind was whistling through her aqua and blue mane. Suddenly, she felt someone tap her shoulder, it was Dazzle Surprise. "Hello, Shores." She says with a warm smile. Shores looks up at the lavender mare. "Oh, why hello Dazzle. How are you today?" Dazzle grins. "I am wonderful." Shores smiles and turns to the ocean. "It's beautiful, isn't it?" Dazzle nods, looking out to the sea. The sun was setting just above the ocean, the wind was blowing on the water, making little waves, and seagulls were flying above the water. Sapphire Shores never felt better, Dazzling Beach was her favorite place.
Dazzle Surprise left Shores. SS looked around and got up, heading towards the Cafe, to hang out with some of her friends.
When she got to the Cafe, the lights weren't on. She looked around. "Hello?" She said, but no answer. Finally, someone turned the lights on. "SURPRISE!" Everyone shouted. It was Sapphire Shores's birthday! And all of the ponies were in the Cafe. Shores was surprised, and smiled. "Thank you friends!" She said. She partied the rest of the night.
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Post by Becka *Pone* on Sept 12, 2004 22:45:08 GMT -5
Just a warning - Im being harsh on this bio because it will be your sixth character and your third G3. This is your "reward" character, and you don't just get to have it because you've been in the game for X amount of time. If you don't want to listen to constructive criticism of your character then I suggest you don't read on.
Powers (if any): Sapphire Shores can make seashells appear on the beach when the sun shines on her jewel symbol. Her Jewel will first change colors and then seashells will appear on the beach. But this only happens on the beach.
That's not a power. That's a magic trick. Powers generally include being able to harness elements, use the earths natural sources of power to move/change things, read minds, hold sway over people's emotions/actions, and other such things. Creating seashells on the beach is pointless. It does nothing (ok, so maybe it creates new homes for hermit crabs that are getting too big for their current shells). When would you ever use this power? Why would you ever use this power? Are you going to beat an opponent by making seashells appear at his feet? No. Rethink the power.
Sappire Shores is a sweet but shy pony. She is also outgoing. She can sometimes be perky and cheerful. She sometimes speaks her heart out, too.
If Sapphire Shores is shy then she is not outgoing, she does not speak her heart out. Shy people are Shy, Outgoing people are Outgoing. You can have your moments either way (ie. in the company of certain people) but you cannot be both Shy and Outgoing. That's like saying Sapphire Shores is hot, except when she's cold. She's hot and cold. No, that means she's warm.
She has been surfing since she was 6. Her mother taught her. They both surfed together. But, when Sapphire Shores was 8, she ran away from home, and moved to Ponyville, where she lives now. Sapphire Shores didn't know anyone in Ponyville yet, but she has met a few ponies and is now making herself at home in Ponyville.
So she was taught for two years how to surf and suddenly became a pro surfer? And ran away from home at eight? First: why did she run away from home? Was it problems with her mother? It seems like if her mother taught her how to be a pro surfer in two years (which I might point out is impossible) they would probably have a great relationship. And eight years old is too young to run away from home. Especially to a city that takes a few days to get to by foot. Make her older, flesh out the story of why she ran away, and also explain why she hasn't met a single pony in her 15 years of living in Ponyville (23 yrs old now - 8 yrs old when she got to ponyville = 15 yrs in ponyville).
Last year, Sapphire Shores climbed one of the biggest mountains, she reached the top and won a trophy for being one of the first ponies to reach the top. She is proud of herself for trying her best.
This has nothing to do with anything. If she is a pro surfer why did she suddenly decide to climb a mountain?
As for your sample bio - it sounds like a pony backcard. It tells me nothing about your character, it shows me no skill over what you have read on the back of Sapphire Shores card. Good sample RPs have little to no dialogue and are mostly a character sketch. It doesn't flow at all, suddenly she's at the beach, suddenly she's at the Cafe. Suddenly there is a surprise party. Not to mention you didn't seperate Dazzle and Shore's dialogue into seperate paragraphs - this will be the third time I have mentioned doing that to you.
Basically, your bio sounds like you wrote down a bunch of random stuff that you thought sounded cool.
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Post by Angel624 on Sept 13, 2004 20:08:28 GMT -5
Well, she wasn't going to be my sixth character, she was going to replace Mainsail or Baby Sea Spray. Ok, I'll work on changing the bio. I'll think it through, and come up with something that makes more sense. And I'll try to get it posted by the end of this week.
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Post by Becka *Pone* on Sept 13, 2004 20:18:27 GMT -5
Well, she wasn't going to be my sixth character, she was going to replace Mainsail or Baby Sea Spray.
Nope, no more character trading. They aren't baseball cards. Its fine for OCs, but not Hasbros. And if you were giving one of them up you need to tell me before hand and not write the sample post. That's only for the third G3 character.
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Post by Angel624 on Sept 13, 2004 20:26:26 GMT -5
Well, I have thought about it, and I don't want to give up any of my characters, anyway. So, I guess Shores will be my sixth character. I'll work on her bio this week and try to get it done ASAP.
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Post by Angel624 on Sept 15, 2004 20:06:23 GMT -5
Ok, here's the *NEW* bio for Sapphire Shores. Name: Sapphire Shores Nick name: Shores Age: 23 Type: G3 Earth Jewel Pony Symbol: A yellow seashell with an aqua jewel in the middle along with aqua and white squiggles below the seashell. Colors: A splash of pink with aqua, sky blue, and white hair. Her eyes are purple with a aqua and yellow highlight with a pink heart in each eye. Powers (if any): None Description/temperment (how they act, nice, shy, ect): Sappire Shores is a sweet, adventurous pony. She loves to sail the ocean blue, and she hopes to become a pirate someday. But her behavior could use some work. Her knowlege is well, a bit crazy. She says the weirdest things sometimes. And she'll do the weirdest things. For instance, she'll water her flowers when it's raining, and she'll walk backwards for no particular reason. But she is a friendly pony. And is always right by your side when you need her. History: When Sapphire Shores was 9 years old, she sailed the ocean with her mother and father. One night, when there was a nasty storm, her father fell overboard. She then had to go to the countryside all by herself until her father returned. Her mother went to Dream Valley, because she knew that's where she had to go. Sapphire Shores had a home in the countryside that her father built a long time ago when he was young. Shores met a couple friends there while she was staying there, and they had lots of fun together. Sapphire Shores misses her father very much, and hopes that he comes back someday soon. Her mother, Wave Runner, also misses her husband. Shores gets letters from her mother often, and sometimes Shores calls her mother. Neither of them has heard from Shores's father. Then, when Shores was 16, she moved to Ponyville. Her father bought a home in Ponyville a long time ago. Now Shores has been living there ever since she moved to Ponyville. She has made some new friends and hangs out with them at the Cafe. She also goes to school. And she can be found mostly at the beach in the evenings. To this day, Sapphire Shores misses her father, she hasn't heard from him since he fell overboard. Every night, Shores prays before going to bed, she prays that her father is still alive. Sometimes she cries at night as well, she really misses him. But she won't say anything to anyone when they ask her why she's crying. Nobody knows why she's keeping this to herself. Sapphire Shores is still a happy pony, but at night, she has nightmares that her father died when he fell overboard. She keeps dreaming the same thing every night. She wishes that nightmare would just go away, but it won't, not until she finds out that her father is ok. She just can't make that nightmare leave her mind. She wishes she could make it go away. Other things she has done included: Sailing the ocean, and visiting places in the world. Birthplace (or place of the majority of residence): Shores grew up in the countryside of Ponyland, she moved to Ponyville when she was 16. Sample RP: Sapphire Shores was standing before the Cotton Candy Cafe. It was a medium sized pink building with a purple tile roof. There were huge green bushes with pinkish purple roses on them. Shores walked into the Cafe, seeing a few ponies in there. The inside was very different from the outside. The walls were a softer pink, and there were tables and booths everywhere. In one corner, there was this cute plant that was in an orange flowerpot. Shores smiled as she walked up to the counter. She saw Cotton Candy come up to her. Shores ordered a strawberry milkshake. She sat down at a table. After she finished her shake, she looked around her, seeing what ponies were in the Cafe. She saw some dark colored ponies as well as some light colored ones. Shores wiggled her nose a little. She didn't know some of them. She blinked. She thought about her father. She thought about the night he fell overboard. Shores sighed and closed her eyes. She breathed in slowly, and breathed out. She hoped her father was ok. She hoped he was still alive. She walked out of the Cafe and headed home. After being at the Cafe, Shores was walking on the sidewalk of Ponyville, but she was walking backwards. She had remembered the time when her father was gloomy and she had walked backwards and has done other crazy things just to cheer him up. She stopped and turned around. She was thinking. I wonder where my father is now. She thought. She just shrugged and walked backwards to her home.
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Post by Becka *Pone* on Sept 21, 2004 22:04:54 GMT -5
Much better. Only two things Im going to comment on, and that is because Im being picky. Then, when Shores was 16, she moved to Ponyville. She bought a nice little home and has lived there ever since.Did she buy the home or her father? Cause as far as I know you must be 18 to buy a house. I would *like* to see the history fleshed out a little bit more, but wont require it this time. Your doing better. Second, I want to see something in your sample RP that shows something about the character we wouldn't otherwise know just from looking at her. You did a great job of describing the scenery, now do the same for the character. If you want an example, go check out my Ziba bio or visit Nexus: p214.ezboard.com/balatariel (not that I expect your bio to be quite as in depth as theirs, but its always good to read examples)
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Post by Angel624 on Sept 21, 2004 22:13:37 GMT -5
Ok. Thanks. I'll edit her bio.
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